


Film me in

by tea_for_lupin



Category: Midsomer Murders - All Media Types
Genre: Episode Spoilers, Gen, Picture of Innocence spoilers, terrible puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2019-04-22 06:19:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14302674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tea_for_lupin/pseuds/tea_for_lupin
Summary: Gail Stevens and Ben Jones catch up for a drink, and make terrible puns at Barnaby's expense.Spoilers for Picture of Innocence (s10 ep6).





	Film me in

‘So,’ Gail said, setting down the pints on the table, ‘tell me all.’

Ben groaned. ‘It’s been the week from hell,’ he said, shaking his head. 

‘There’s another pint in it for you if you spill all the beans,’ Gail promised with a grin. 

‘God, I’ll need it.’ Ben took a long drink. ‘All right—but just for the record, you’re not bribing me, I’m doing this out of the kindness of my heart. To save you from being misinformed by the Causton CID rumour mill.’

Gail raised her glass in a toast of acknowledgement and then rested her chin on her hands expectantly. ‘Well? Go on then!’

‘So it all began,’ Ben said, rubbing his temples to try and get rid of the headache he’d had for a week, ‘with the DCI going with Mrs Barnaby to a photo exhibition, and it turned out that one of the photos there was of him, with an ex-girlfriend. Except it wasn’t a real photo, it was a fake photo—two different shots that had been mashed together with a computer…’

_—60 minutes and two-point-five pints later—_

‘…and we managed to get the mallet off of Sebastian Madrigal just in time. And it turns out that Sebastian is really, _really_ unhealthily obsessed with this Chantelle, the model who’s in all the photos, and he’s been committing murders because, I dunno, he thinks he’s the only one with a right to touch her or look at her.’ 

‘Ew.’ Gail wrinkled her nose. ‘One of those guys.’

‘Yeah. But _then_ , we’ve taken Sebastian back to Causton nick, we’re all in the interview room, me and Spellman and the DCI, and Sebastian and his lawyer. And it comes out that he was trying to make the governor look like the murderer because he thought he’d been shagging her at the Golden Hind.’

Gail blinked, attempting to sort through the Guinness-muddled welter of pronouns. ‘Hang on, I don’t follow. Who thought who what at the what?’

Ben ticked items off on his fingers, carefully, for both their benefit. ‘He—Sebastian—’ Gail nodded ‘thought that he—DCI Tom Barnaby—’ Gail nodded again ‘had been shagging Chantelle—her—in the Golden Hind. _At_ the Golden Hind. Hotel.’ 

‘He never,’ breathed Gail.

‘Of course not,’ Ben said, offended on Barnaby’s behalf. ‘He’d never so much as consider it, we both know that. But! Someone had been. Been using the name ‘Barnaby’, to check in at the hotel. Check in two people, Mr and Mrs Barnaby, except Mrs Barnaby was the model, Chantelle.’ 

‘Well, who was Mr Barnaby, then?’ 

‘Spellman,’ Ben managed to get out, before he collapsed into helpless laughter. 

A look of horrified glee lit up Gail’s face. ‘You’re pulling my leg. Oh my god, oh no.’

‘Scout’s honour, it’s true. And not just the one time, either—they were at it for months.’ 

‘This is actually better than the rumours, though? Spellman using the DCI’s name for, for—’ words temporarily failed Gail ‘—for _assignations_ , oh my _god_.’

When they had both finally stopped laughing Gail shook her head. ‘And it all started with that fake photo, at the exhibition.’

‘Yeah.’

‘I guess you could say…’ she looked at Ben with extreme solemnity ‘…that the DCI was _framed_.’

Ben chucked a cardboard coaster at her; it missed. ‘Get out of here.’ 

‘I’m so glad I got to hear how the situation _developed_.’

Ben clapped his hands over his ears, groaning. ‘No, no, stop, do you know the week I’ve had?’ 

Gail, merciless between giggles, did not stop. ‘I bet the case got some really good _exposure_ in the news!’

‘I thought we were friends, Gail, how can you be so cruel?’ Ben gave her his best pleading look. ‘If I buy you another drink will you stop? Please?’

‘Yeah, all right,’ Gail agreed cheerfully. ‘I’m about out of photo-related puns, anyway.’

‘Thank god for that.’ Ben slid out of the seat. ‘Because I’m against them, on _prints-ciple_.’ And he hurried off grinning to the bar, as the coaster bounced off the back of his head.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic became a necessity after I rewatched Picture of Innocence, and realised that not ONCE in the entire episode did anyone make the obvious joke...


End file.
